Today has been a day of mixed emotions. I am entering my third trimester today. Things are still going well. The babies are both over 2 pounds, and my cervix is holding (although it has shortened some in the last month). I should be joyous...and I am, but I am anxious too. Every pregnancy comes with uncomfortable symptoms, especially in the last trimester. I really don't care that I will be uncomfortable, but I have lost my confidence to say that I am uncomfortable but nothing is wrong. With this pregnancy, every new symptom and development has me worried..and I am a really great worrier. Sometimes I wish the line was clearer between pushing myself a little (in a healthy way) and pushing myself too far. I am trying to stay on the side of caution whenever the line seems blurred, but it is hard to always know if I am making the right decisions.
Today is also 13 months since the triplets' birth. It really has not been that hard of a day until I got the phone call. I was trying to get my niece and Gabriel in the car after my niece's piano lesson when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number (out-of-state area code), but I answered it anyway. I was not expecting the hospital. It was the grief support staff calling from Good Samaritan. I had prepared myself for this call last month in the week around their birthday, but the call never came. I was not prepared for it today. I am glad that they call to check on me, but sometimes I just wish I had more notice. It had been so long since I had spoken with them last that they didn't even know I was pregnant with twins. I bet that was a twist she wasn't expecting when she called me.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Nursery
I struggled for a long time during the beginning of this pregnancy trying to decide when I would start putting together the nursery. I am usually a get-it-done-and-now-is-better-than-later type of person (not one of things that my husband loves about me), but I was unsure of what to do in this situation. When I painted the nursery for Gabriel, I tried to make it fairly gender neutral so that we would not have to change much with our next child. When I was pregnant with the triplets, I had decided that I wasn't going to change it (especially since it was three boys). In the end, this helped somewhat with my grieving. The nursery was still Gabriel's. I had no connection with the triplets and that room. When I found out at 13.5 weeks that we may be having two girls this time, I really wanted to change it. A couple of years ago, Jason's mom was clearing out things in her house in preparation for their move. She asked us to come over and look through some of the things she wanted to hand down to us. One of the items was a blanket that her grandmother had quilted. Ever since I received that quilt, I have dreamed of a little girl's room based on it. Even though I knew what I wanted to do with the room, I was unsure of when to start putting it together. I finally decided to just get it done. I knew I would feel more relaxed during these last few months of my pregnancy if it was finished (and with multiples you never really know how much time you have left). I am glad I decided to put it together. It has helped make these girls more real to me. I look in the room, and I can't wait for them to come. It also still frightens me. Even though I have made it until 25 weeks, I could still lose them.
I do smile when I look at the things in the room. It really has been a generational effort. The quilt hanging on the wall was made by the girls' great-great-grandmother on Jason's side, and the teacups in the shelf belonged to their great-grandmother on my side.
The girls' grandparents (my mom and dad) painted the room, hung the wall clings, and bought the cribs and mattresses.
The heart shelf on the wall used to be mine when I was a little girl, and the bears on the shelf are for the triplets. It looks like I didn't do much for the room, but I am providing the babies to go in there (I think it is a pretty important contribution.).
Lastly, I though I would leave you with pictures of the triplets' tree. After their death last year, several men belonging to my dad's bible study group got together to buy us this tree. I was a little concerned for it. We had such a dry and rough summer last year, and I know magnolias can be finicky. I was overjoyed when it blossomed this spring.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Year Without Them
I can hardly believe it has been a year since their birth. I miss them still. I long to hold them. I long to know them, but I know that these things will not happen this side of heaven. It has been a year of learning. I have learned that you can go on even when you feel it is not possible to take in your next breath. I have learned that some will never understand what you are going through, but also that some will go out of their way to show you that you are loved even if they don't. More importantly, I have learned to accept that God is sovereign, and that He will be there to comfort me through whatever I have to walk through.
I have been greatly blessed. I have a healthy husband and son. I am soon going to have two girls, and as of my appointment today, my pregnancy is completely normal. I have friends and family who remember me often in both their time and their prayers. I am so thankful for all of these things.
I thought I would share again what I wrote on the day of their birth.
My three beautiful boys were born early this morning. I had random, but intense, contractions yesterday afternoon. I was put on the monitor several times, but I was told each time that they were not worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with another bleed. This one was not as bad as the bleeds I had at home, but it was worse than the bleeds that I had in the hospital previously. My bleeding and my contractions together prompted them to do an exam where they determined that I was not dilated. Because my contractions were not causing dilation, they did not give me something to stop them. They did offer me pain medication since I was in so much pain (I was again having back labor). I was offered morphine in my IV or an epidural. Although morphine had done nothing for me when I tried it in my last pregnancy, I figured these contractions must be a whole lot smaller so it would probably work this time. We tried the morphine, but it again did nothing for me. Since my pain was only getting worse, I opted for an epidural, although I secretly thought this was ridiculous to get an epidural when you are not going to give birth. Once the epidural was in and I began to relax, I felt another large clot pass. I called in the nurse. When she looked under the covers, she let me know that it was not a clot, but instead was baby A. I was shocked. I wasn't even supposed to be dilating. They weren't even trying to stop my labor. How could I have just had a baby? They cut the cord and placed him on my chest. Roanin David (our donor twin) was tiny. He only weighed 5.3 ounces. He was so thin. You could see his heart beating in his chest, and he would sometimes move when you touched him. I did not know how long I would have with him so I told him that I loved him and prayed for him. Unfortunately, I was struggling at this time. My blood pressure kept dropping low enough that I was having trouble focusing. There was also a lull during this time. I had delivered one of the identicals and part of his and his twin's placenta. The resident decided to wait for the doctor on call before doing anything else. When that doctor arrived, he told me what I already knew. Baby B would have to be delivered as well. I could not continue the pregnancy with him now that his twin was born. I was taken to the OR to deliver him. He was born weighing 9.9 ounces. Kade Edward was also alive and was placed on my chest. I again prayed for him not knowing how long I would have with him. I was not doing well medically so the babies were moved to a warmer where they eventually passed away. My doctor was busy during this time trying to deliver all of the identicals' placenta. He was not able to so again there was a wait time. The hope was that if given enough time, the placenta may detach, and we could try to save Baby C. There was a change of doctors at this time. The new doctor preformed a quick ultrasound before trying to work on the placenta. She did not see a heartbeat for Baby C. Again, I was shocked. I had been desperately praying for God to leave me this one baby, or at least, I thought he would be born alive and I would have some time to spend with him also. Instead, Nathaniel Clark was born stillborn at 11.3 ounces. Not all of his placenta would come out either. The doctor eventually performed a D&C to remove all of the pieces. I was moved back to the room I have been in for the past week. I was able to hold all three babies for a long time. We eventually sent them to the morgue later in the afternoon. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I said goodbye, but could barely give them to the nurse knowing I would not see them again. The other hard thing today was telling people about the births. My husband was not here for them. He had been back in Indy working and taking care of Gabriel and was returning that morning. My best friend, Laura, was with me, and I was grateful for her presence. The hardest person to tell was my son. He had been praying for a little brother or sister for years and was so excited when we told him that we were expecting. When I explained to him that all of the babies were with the Lord, he burst out crying. All he could say was "I wanted them." I could only cry and think I wanted them too. I still want them. I know that they are at peace with the Lord now though. I love you my little ones, and I will miss you always.
I have been greatly blessed. I have a healthy husband and son. I am soon going to have two girls, and as of my appointment today, my pregnancy is completely normal. I have friends and family who remember me often in both their time and their prayers. I am so thankful for all of these things.
I thought I would share again what I wrote on the day of their birth.
My three beautiful boys were born early this morning. I had random, but intense, contractions yesterday afternoon. I was put on the monitor several times, but I was told each time that they were not worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with another bleed. This one was not as bad as the bleeds I had at home, but it was worse than the bleeds that I had in the hospital previously. My bleeding and my contractions together prompted them to do an exam where they determined that I was not dilated. Because my contractions were not causing dilation, they did not give me something to stop them. They did offer me pain medication since I was in so much pain (I was again having back labor). I was offered morphine in my IV or an epidural. Although morphine had done nothing for me when I tried it in my last pregnancy, I figured these contractions must be a whole lot smaller so it would probably work this time. We tried the morphine, but it again did nothing for me. Since my pain was only getting worse, I opted for an epidural, although I secretly thought this was ridiculous to get an epidural when you are not going to give birth. Once the epidural was in and I began to relax, I felt another large clot pass. I called in the nurse. When she looked under the covers, she let me know that it was not a clot, but instead was baby A. I was shocked. I wasn't even supposed to be dilating. They weren't even trying to stop my labor. How could I have just had a baby? They cut the cord and placed him on my chest. Roanin David (our donor twin) was tiny. He only weighed 5.3 ounces. He was so thin. You could see his heart beating in his chest, and he would sometimes move when you touched him. I did not know how long I would have with him so I told him that I loved him and prayed for him. Unfortunately, I was struggling at this time. My blood pressure kept dropping low enough that I was having trouble focusing. There was also a lull during this time. I had delivered one of the identicals and part of his and his twin's placenta. The resident decided to wait for the doctor on call before doing anything else. When that doctor arrived, he told me what I already knew. Baby B would have to be delivered as well. I could not continue the pregnancy with him now that his twin was born. I was taken to the OR to deliver him. He was born weighing 9.9 ounces. Kade Edward was also alive and was placed on my chest. I again prayed for him not knowing how long I would have with him. I was not doing well medically so the babies were moved to a warmer where they eventually passed away. My doctor was busy during this time trying to deliver all of the identicals' placenta. He was not able to so again there was a wait time. The hope was that if given enough time, the placenta may detach, and we could try to save Baby C. There was a change of doctors at this time. The new doctor preformed a quick ultrasound before trying to work on the placenta. She did not see a heartbeat for Baby C. Again, I was shocked. I had been desperately praying for God to leave me this one baby, or at least, I thought he would be born alive and I would have some time to spend with him also. Instead, Nathaniel Clark was born stillborn at 11.3 ounces. Not all of his placenta would come out either. The doctor eventually performed a D&C to remove all of the pieces. I was moved back to the room I have been in for the past week. I was able to hold all three babies for a long time. We eventually sent them to the morgue later in the afternoon. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I said goodbye, but could barely give them to the nurse knowing I would not see them again. The other hard thing today was telling people about the births. My husband was not here for them. He had been back in Indy working and taking care of Gabriel and was returning that morning. My best friend, Laura, was with me, and I was grateful for her presence. The hardest person to tell was my son. He had been praying for a little brother or sister for years and was so excited when we told him that we were expecting. When I explained to him that all of the babies were with the Lord, he burst out crying. All he could say was "I wanted them." I could only cry and think I wanted them too. I still want them. I know that they are at peace with the Lord now though. I love you my little ones, and I will miss you always.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
They are girls!
Yes, I know that it is a ridiculous title considering everyone that reads this blog already knows this, but I might as well put it down in the blog.
Since my last post, I have had a doctor's appointment (which turned into another appointment with the nurse practitioner) and two ultrasounds. I came away from the doctor's office feeling pretty annoyed for lots of little reasons that really didn't matter all that much in the end, but the ultrasounds were great. Both ultrasounds confirmed what we had been told earlier. We are in fact expecting two girls. That has taken some getting used to in my mind. After 4 boys, I am finding it hard to really believe that I have daughters. I have also had my cervical length checked twice. The first time it was checked in a way that wasn't very accurate, but the second check at the high-risk OB was done well. The high-risk doctor wanted to know if I was proud of my "rock-star" cervix (his words, not mine). I think I am withholding judgement until later. They want me to be seen every two weeks for a cervical length check and every four weeks for a growth check on the babies. I am going to have these done at the high-risk doctor. It means more driving, but I feel more comfortable with their ability to catch any problems if they develop. I will continue to see my regular OB for my normal prenatal visits.
I had a really busy weekend last weekend. I managed to sort and put away all the clothes given to me by my best friend for the girls. This may sound like a small task, but considering she had enough clothes to outfit a small army of babies, it took me awhile. Now, I am on to working on the room. I am going to try to find the paint color this weekend. I also managed to finish my registry, go to a baby dedication, baby-sit 10 kids (with help from my brother and sister-in-law), go to a game night, and finish my taxes. The taxes were a little more difficult to do this year. This is mainly because we could claim two of the triplets as dependents. It was hard to put them on there, and hard to only be able to put two of them on there. I was using a tax program that asked me how long they had lived with us. I wasn't sure what to do so I clicked on an explanation box. In it, it explained what to do if your child had died, or was kidnapped, or if there was a divorce. It was a sad box full of painful situations. Of course I was not off the hook yet. One of my students asked me on Tuesday what I had done over the weekend. I told him that I had done my taxes. My student in an off-handed way asked if I had claimed a bunch of dependents that I didn't have in order to get a better return. He doesn't know about the triplets.
I will leave you with some pictures of the babies.
Baby A Face
Since my last post, I have had a doctor's appointment (which turned into another appointment with the nurse practitioner) and two ultrasounds. I came away from the doctor's office feeling pretty annoyed for lots of little reasons that really didn't matter all that much in the end, but the ultrasounds were great. Both ultrasounds confirmed what we had been told earlier. We are in fact expecting two girls. That has taken some getting used to in my mind. After 4 boys, I am finding it hard to really believe that I have daughters. I have also had my cervical length checked twice. The first time it was checked in a way that wasn't very accurate, but the second check at the high-risk OB was done well. The high-risk doctor wanted to know if I was proud of my "rock-star" cervix (his words, not mine). I think I am withholding judgement until later. They want me to be seen every two weeks for a cervical length check and every four weeks for a growth check on the babies. I am going to have these done at the high-risk doctor. It means more driving, but I feel more comfortable with their ability to catch any problems if they develop. I will continue to see my regular OB for my normal prenatal visits.
I had a really busy weekend last weekend. I managed to sort and put away all the clothes given to me by my best friend for the girls. This may sound like a small task, but considering she had enough clothes to outfit a small army of babies, it took me awhile. Now, I am on to working on the room. I am going to try to find the paint color this weekend. I also managed to finish my registry, go to a baby dedication, baby-sit 10 kids (with help from my brother and sister-in-law), go to a game night, and finish my taxes. The taxes were a little more difficult to do this year. This is mainly because we could claim two of the triplets as dependents. It was hard to put them on there, and hard to only be able to put two of them on there. I was using a tax program that asked me how long they had lived with us. I wasn't sure what to do so I clicked on an explanation box. In it, it explained what to do if your child had died, or was kidnapped, or if there was a divorce. It was a sad box full of painful situations. Of course I was not off the hook yet. One of my students asked me on Tuesday what I had done over the weekend. I told him that I had done my taxes. My student in an off-handed way asked if I had claimed a bunch of dependents that I didn't have in order to get a better return. He doesn't know about the triplets.
I will leave you with some pictures of the babies.
Baby A Face
Baby B Face
Baby A Profile
Baby A with hands in front of face
Baby A hand
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Christmas, New Year's, and an Update on the Twins
I don't have any picture to post of the holidays. I manged not to pick up a camera at anytime during my break, and my husband who works at a camera store surprisingly takes few pictures these days. I spent most of my break trying to enjoy myself and just trying to get through it. I really wasn't sure how I would handle the holidays this year. Christmas overall was easier than I thought it was going to be. There were some hard moments as I watched several babies experience their first Christmas. It was also difficult that no one mentioned or referred to the boys all day, not even some family members that I have not seen since or talked to since last Christmas. I was actually more worried about how New Year's Eve would go. Gabriel was born in 2004, and by 2005, we were trying for a second child. That New Year's Eve as the ball dropped, I told myself that I would surely get pregnant in the new year. I said it again at the end of 2006, 2007, and 2008. I finally did get pregnant in 2009, and last year with the triplets I was finally able to say that I would have children in the coming year. This year, I didn't say anything to myself. I don't know if I am just too scared to say it, or if I have finally accepted that they are only here on loan and it is not my decision as to how long.
I have been struggling to talk about them being here next summer. It feels weird to me sometimes when people talk about them as a done deal while I am just waiting for the first problem to show up. Apparently, I am not alone in this. A couple of weeks ago as Gabriel and I left church, a baby was crying, and Gabriel told me that the baby should stop because it was being loud. I told Gabriel that he needed to get used to the noise because we would have two babies in the house this summer. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "If they are alive." He wasn't trying to be mean. This is just his reality. I did finally buy car seats for the twins. I heard of another couple with twins selling theirs, and I couldn't pass up the price. We are also going to be buying one of the cribs soon because we have a good coupon on furniture.
I have had a couple of appointments since my last post. I finally got to meet my doctor. She did not seem as concerned about pre-term labor as the nurse practitioner did so I don't have to do a cerclage. She was worried about whether the twins were on two separate placentas on not. I thought that had been well established by my fertility doctor, but the report he sent her just said separate sacs, and she did not have copies of the earlier ultrasounds. She decided to send me to a high-risk doctor for a more in-depth ultrasound. The new ultrasound showed what looked to be one placenta on the back, but there were other signs the the twins were actually on two different ones. They believe now that the two have just fused together. I go back for my anatomy ultrasound on the 21st of February. Hopefully, we will definitely be able to find out the genders by then. The technician believes that they might possibly be two girls, but it was early so we will see.
Please, pray for my friend April. She lost her baby this week after many weeks of bed rest. I know the pain that she is going through right now. Pray that she will be able to find peace with God's plan for her life. I hope that Gad has more children planned for them because she is and will be a wonderful mother.
I have been struggling to talk about them being here next summer. It feels weird to me sometimes when people talk about them as a done deal while I am just waiting for the first problem to show up. Apparently, I am not alone in this. A couple of weeks ago as Gabriel and I left church, a baby was crying, and Gabriel told me that the baby should stop because it was being loud. I told Gabriel that he needed to get used to the noise because we would have two babies in the house this summer. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "If they are alive." He wasn't trying to be mean. This is just his reality. I did finally buy car seats for the twins. I heard of another couple with twins selling theirs, and I couldn't pass up the price. We are also going to be buying one of the cribs soon because we have a good coupon on furniture.
I have had a couple of appointments since my last post. I finally got to meet my doctor. She did not seem as concerned about pre-term labor as the nurse practitioner did so I don't have to do a cerclage. She was worried about whether the twins were on two separate placentas on not. I thought that had been well established by my fertility doctor, but the report he sent her just said separate sacs, and she did not have copies of the earlier ultrasounds. She decided to send me to a high-risk doctor for a more in-depth ultrasound. The new ultrasound showed what looked to be one placenta on the back, but there were other signs the the twins were actually on two different ones. They believe now that the two have just fused together. I go back for my anatomy ultrasound on the 21st of February. Hopefully, we will definitely be able to find out the genders by then. The technician believes that they might possibly be two girls, but it was early so we will see.
Please, pray for my friend April. She lost her baby this week after many weeks of bed rest. I know the pain that she is going through right now. Pray that she will be able to find peace with God's plan for her life. I hope that Gad has more children planned for them because she is and will be a wonderful mother.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A sister's gift
Very shortly after I found out that I was pregnant, my sister asked me if she could create a blog that told the story of this pregnancy in pictures. I was a little speechless when she asked and a little afraid to say yes. I don't consider myself photogenic so I avoid being in photos. I would have to put that aside if I was going to do this. I decided in the end to do it though. It has been a little strange asking permission to get certain photos. The lab tech who drew my blood looked at us like we were crazy when we asked, and I am sure that my fertility doctor was thinking the same thing. I am hoping that my new OB will be open to Melissa possibly coming in as well. The new blog is here: http://amoxleybaby.blogspot.com/ . I will also be putting it as one of the links along the side of my page. Melissa has added some comments with some photos in case just the picture was confusing. Make sure you go all the way to the beginning post and follow from there.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Twins
It is twins for us. Ever since I found out, I have been both less nervous and more nervous. Less nervous because the risk of carrying twins is far lower than the risk of carrying triplets. Also, we do not have any babies sharing the same placenta (the twins are fraternal). More nervous because I don't know what to expect this time. That may seem funny since I certainly didn't know what to expect with the triplets either, but I really didn't have to. Last year, I was seen by a doctor every week of my pregnancy from 7 weeks on. Not only was I seen, but I had an ultrasound as well. This time that is not going to happen. I have an appointment scheduled with a new doctor, but it is not for another 3 weeks. I have found out that it is going to be with the nurse practitioner instead of the doctor. I am really interested to see what I am going to find out at this appointment. How often are they going to see me? Will I have more ultrasounds that a singleton pregnancy? Are they going to try to use Doppler to find both babies' heartbeats at each appointment? Will they do an ultrasound each time if they cannot find one of the heartbeats on Doppler? Will they keep a closer eye on my cervix length this time since I know have a history of premature labor and birth? I will have to wait for these answers.
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