7 Months

 So the girls turned 7 months last Monday.  Given how busy my last few weeks have been, I consider it a victory that their pictures got taken and posted within a week. 

Eowyn is as always a girl on the move.  By the end of the month, she can flip from both back to stomach and stomach to back.  The stomach to back flip is a more recent development and is more that I am not too fond of.  She never lets her head down easy so I will often here her head thump on the floor.  In fact, she is not very careful with her head ever so I often hear her hitting it against something.  Eowyn can also turn around in a circle and scoot backwards.  I have seen her occasionally move herself forward like an inch worm, but it seems to be an accident when it happens. 

Eowyn loves interacting with people.  With me, her favorite thing to do is to try to put her hand in my mouth.  She loves watching Gabriel.  He can make her laugh more than anyone else.  I love it when he gets her laughing because although we get a lot of smile, she doesn't really laugh that often.

I started the girls on cereal this month.  I have had the hardest time feeding her.  After a month, she is starting to get the hang of it, but it still takes a lot of effort.  She never wants to move her tongue out of the way.

Eowyn weighed 15 lb 3 oz at her 6 month appointment. 

She got two teeth.

Tessa is still the more laid back twin.  She can also flip over both ways, but she doesn't move much other than that.  She did beat Eowyn to one milestone.  She can sit up. 

Tessa loves her cereal.  Our only problem is when I am a little slow shoveling it in.  She also got two teeth this month.  In fact, both girls cut their first teeth within a day of each other.

She loves being held.  She will sit in your lap for as long as you let her without wanting down.  It is really easy to get her smiling and laughing

Tessa weighed 16 lb 8 oz at her 6 month appointment.

Jason says he is in a lot of trouble with this look.

It is so fun to watch the girls with each other.  They often look at each other and touch each other if they can.  I have to keep an eye on them sometimes.  Eowyn can be a bit aggressive with her sister.  She is often climbing over Tessa, sucking on her hands or feet, or scratching her sister. 

The girls took the twin thing a little far this month.  They both had double ear infections at their 6 month appointment.  Both went on antibiotics.  They did well with it except we have dealing with a lot of blow-outs.

I love this picture.  It looks like they are telling each other secrets.

I imagine Tessa is saying, "Save me mama!"

Broken

Shortly after I lost the triplets, I read a book written by a woman who had lost her child right after birth. In it, she shared something that she had done after her loss. She had taken a ceramic pitcher and smashed it on the ground. Then, she spent time trying to glue it back together again. That image has stayed with me for a long time.

I have thought often of what was smashed the day I lost the boys. I lost much of my confidence in my body. It had been shaken a little after I had Gabriel. My labor (which I intended to be natural) had ended in a C-section, and my attempts at breast feeding ended after three short weeks with a baby that still had not regained his birth weight. It was further tested through the years of trying to get pregnant with our second child. I still held on to the idea that once pregnant, I would carry a child well. Gabriel had been overdue, and I really hadn't had any problems before delivery. I counted this in my favor when I first found out I was pregnant with the triplets. Now to be fair to myself, the triplets were really born after I went into labor following an amniotic leak caused by a procedure needed to attempt to save the identicals' lives. Although that is the reality, I still feel like my body failed them. It was my job to carry them, my job to protect them, and I could not stop it from happening.

I lost three sons. The depth of that statement takes my breath away sometimes. I see the echos of what could have been all around me. I see it in the babies that are the same age as the boys would have been. I see it in my son. I see it in my girls. I will never know the color of their hair or eyes. I will never recognize their voices. I will never know how Nathaniel would have felt about being the "different" one. I will never know what it would have been like to have a house overrun with boys.

I lost who I used to be, or at least parts of who I used to be. In those first days, I was scared of that. What was my identity now? Then as time passed, I found that I wasn't as changed as I thought I was originally, but then I was scared of that too. It felt like a dishonor to them if I was only a little different.

One thing I didn't lose that day was my guilt. I am the one who wanted more children. I am the one who ultimately decided to put two embryos in. I was the one who was dehydrated and anemic when I went into the hospital. I was the one that allowed them to do the amnio to draw off Kade's excess fluid. I was the one who agreed to the epidural before Roanin was born. I was the one who had to put Roanin and Kade is the bassinet where they died alone. I am the one who had to tell my husband and my son that the babies were gone. I understand my reasonings for doing much of this, but it doesn't stop my from questioning my decisions.

Thankfully the image is not left with that smashed pitcher. I know that God has begun to put the pieces back together again. I will always bear the scars of the damage that was done. There will always be rough spots and blemishes where fragments were lost.

I don't what use this creation will be. Maybe God will be glorified by working through a damaged vessel, or maybe I had to be broken so I could be refined and fashioned into something new. Maybe I needed to become dependent on God being the glue that holds all the pieces together. Maybe I needed to have a deeper yearning for home. Whatever the reason, I will trust in Him.