A Mother of Multiples

I never really thought that I would be a mother of multiples. I have a small amount of family history with twins. My maternal grandmother was one, but her and her twin were children 11-12. Since the incidence of twining goes up as a woman ages, I wasn't holding my breath that I would have any.

When I realized that we would have to do IVF to have more children, having multiples became a real possiblilty. Even knowing that, it was quite a shock when we were told that we were pregnant with triplets. At first I didn't believe it, but I quickly moved to excitement and a little fear (Jason mostly just stayed shocked.). Although I only knew I was pregnant with triplets for 13 weeks (and everything was normal for only 7 weeks), that was more than enough time to figure out how much that my life was about to change. As I have stated here before, I am a planner, and life with triplets takes a lot of planning. How would we feed all three? How would we move them around? We knew that we had a pair of identicals. I had started thinking about how and if I would be able to tell them apart. I picked out cribs and car seats after I reached the 12 week mark. After we found out that we were having three boys, I thought about how it would be to have a houseful of boys.

When I lost the boys, I lost three children first and foremost. They were three individual children. But, I also lost the experience of triplets. It was not something that I had seeked out, but it had already become part of my identity, part of how I see myself. I am still a mother of triplets, but most people will never know.

When we attempted to get pregnant again, I had mixed feeling about having another set of multiples. Part of me wanted a normal, healthy, full-term singleton. Another part of me wanted another set of multiples. I felt that my body had failed me when carrying the boys and I wanted another chance to prove to myself that I could handle it (I will say more about this in another post). This part of me also wanted to physically belong to a culture that I already felt emotionally tied to.

Although the twins have made me a mother of another set of multiples, I have found is a means to constantly remind me of the boys as well. Often when we come to decisions about the girls, I often ask myself how I would have handled it with three instead. When we are out with the girls, we often draw a lot of questions. Some have looked at our stroll end asked if we have two or three babies. Then we get asked if they are identical or not. It is sometimes answering these questions knowing that they will probably never know that I have three other children and that I have identicals and fratenals. It sound silly I know. Most of them are strangers. Why would I care? I just find it strange that people I meet don't see this big piece of me.

I try to remind myself that I have been greatly blessed. I am blessed to have carryed three little boys, and I am blessed to be raising three children. It is far more than some people get, and far more than I deserve.

6 Months

So as always I am very late in posting these. I got a new toy for Christmas (an IPad) so I intend to be posting a lot more. I have a lot of things to that I want to say, and I have had some posts rattling around in my head for months. But for now, I need to get the 6 month update up before it is time to do the 7 month ones. Eowyn is our wiggle worm. She is never were we leave her these days. She can still pretty much only roll from back to stomach, but she manages to twist and scoot her way around. I am sure she must have teeth moving up although I can not see them yet. She is constantly drooling now, everything goes in her mouth to bite and chew on, and she often rubs things against her gums. The only thing she won't put in her mouth is cereal. We started that about 2 weeks ago. She wants nothing to do with it. I took the girls to their 6 month appointment on Monday. Both girls had double ear infections. I didn't't see that one coming. Neither one had any real symptoms (although they had been really congested for a long time), and Gabriel never had one when he was little. Other than that, both girls are well. Eowyn is weighing I in at 15lbs 3oz.

Tessa is much more laid back than her sister. She continues to be a little physically behind Eowyn's development, but she is catching up. She can also only roll over from back to stomach, but she doesn't usually scoot much. Tessa is still ahead vocally though. She currently loves hearing herself screech. She weighs 16lbs 8oz now.

It is so much fun to watch the girls interact. The talk to each other more these days. The also seem concerned if the other one is upset. If I place them near each other, I will often find them holding hands, or I will find Eowyn's grabbing Tessa's face. I attempt to get a picture of them together every month. This is the best one I got. I have decided it is a good practice to end a photo session once someone starts sucking on someone else's hand.

5 Months

I am a couple of days late, but the weekdays are busy around here.  The girls turned 5 months this week.  I cannot believe it.

Eowyn is never happy with sitting or laying still.  She is always on the move.  This month, she has finally learned to flip over from back to stomach.  She almost always sleeps on her side these days, and occasionally, we will find her on her stomach.  Eowyn has started playing with toys a lot more.  She will hold and move them.  She will also bat at them with her hand.

Tessa has finally shown some interest in moving around as well.  In the last week, she has been laying on her side.  Mostly, she is still content to stay still and watch what is going on around her.  She has also become more interested in toys this last month.  She is not as good at holding them as Eowyn is though.

The girls continue to show more interest in each other.  They will often look at each other.  Sometimes they will hold hands (not really on purpose).  Sometimes, I will see one of them touch the other's face to comfort them.

We had some new items passed down to us.  The girls have been enjoying them.

Sometimes a little too much.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Alphabet Soup

When I realized I was part of the IF community, my Ob/Gyn was the first to try to treat me.  Then I went to see an RE (okay three) who among other things diagnosed me with PCOS, ran an HSG to look at my tubes, and three SIS's to get a closer look at my uterus lining.  After 2 failed IUI's, I did my first IVF and got pregnant with the triplets.  After the complications threw me into PTL, I lost all three boys and became part of the IL community as well.  After a failed FET and another successful IVF, I became pregnant with the twins.  I had another bout of PTL, but the girls were eventually taken early for other reasons.  They spent their first week(s) in the NICU.  Now my biggest worries are SIDS and RSV.

* I went easy on you.  I decided not to include the whole host of acronyms commonly used in the IF community like BFN, BFP, and PUPO.

Milestones

Each of these is fully deserving of there own post, but who am I kidding?  If I don't combine them, they may never get written.  I guess I should start with the milestone that has waiting the longest.

Gabriel turned 7!...3 months ago.  I meant to write something on his birthday, but I got busy preparing files for my sub to start the school year with (files he did not even use...but that is a different story).  Then this milestone went on the list of blog posts that I want to write.  This list seems to be getting always longer and never shorter.

This year has been a big year for Gabriel.  He has really developed a love for reading.  He reads everywhere (including the car).  Gabriel's love for Legos has continued to grow.  I could not bring myself to buy more sets for him for his birthday so instead we bought him a table for the end of his bed to build on.  Gabriel has had to get used to having 2 sisters at home.  He has been a pretty sweet big brother.  One of my favorite memories was listening to him sign "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" to Tessa when he visited her at the NICU.  As always, Gabriel continues to crack us up with the things that will come out of his mouth.  It is so fun to hear about how he views and analyzes the world.

Tessa and Eowyn turned 4 months a couple of weeks ago.  I did take pictures, but they have been sitting on my camera since then.

Tessa is still more vocal and less mobile.  She can make a whole range of baby noises, and it is fun to have a conversation with her.  I love Tessa smiles.  She always gives huge open-mouthed smiles.  She still is not very interested in moving around.  When I set Tessa down, I know she will still be there when I get back.  At her check-up, she was almost 14 1/2 pounds.

Eowyn is only a little over 13 pounds, but she is now longer than her sister.  She is making some baby noises, but she would much rather be on the move.  She has not flipped from stomach to back lately because she is much more interested in putting both her legs and arms up at the same time when she is on her belly.  She is working on flipping to her stomach from her back.  She can almost get there, but she hasn't quite figured out what to do with her arm.  She continues to love to kick.  It is funniest in her bath.  She loves to kick and splash up water.

In the last week or so, the girls have really started to notice each other.  They stare at each other, and sometimes smile back and forth.  It is really fun to watch them interact with each other.

This week Jason and I celebrated 10 years of marriage.  Okay, maybe celebrated is not the right word.  I am not sure a card given in between feedings, diaper changes, homework, and making a vocabulary hat (for Gabriel's school) really counts as celebrating.   I am so grateful though for a husband who grabs a bottle to feed a baby, who will change a diaper (even a dirty one of he has to), and who will lie through his teeth that the hat I threw together looks great.

The Question

It has been blogged about many times before.  For every mom who has lost a child, it is the question that is sometimes hardest to answer.  I was filling out a survey tonight when I was faced with it again.  How many children do you have?  It is such a simple question, but I am left with no simple answers to it

I have always felt I must acknowledge the triplets in some fashion when I answer this question.  I know that there are some moms who don't.  I can't say they are wrong in doing so, but I have always felt that it is my duty as their mother to remember and include them.  It is really the only thing I can do for them...not that they really need anything done for them.  Before the twins were born, I struggled with how to bring them up.  If I said that I had four children, people immediately would think that I was a very busy woman with a house full.  That was a little misleading since I only had one at home.  I would normally tell them four, but then I would explain that three were a set of triplets that were born premature and only lived for a short time..a long answer for someone looking for a simple number and even a little misleading since Nathaniel was stillborn.

There is no faster way to stop a conversation.  People don't know what do when they ask this as a casual or courtesy question, and they get a response that is anything but casual.  I have found that they especially don't know what to say to me.  I don't know if it is because I have lost three, or if they view my loss as something different than those who loose older children. They usually never want to know anything more about them.  Instead, they are busy looking for the fastest way to walk away from this mine that they think that they have stepped on.

To be honest, I sometimes look forward to it being asked.  It is my only real chance to talk about the boys.  When I was visibly pregnant with the girls, I would get asked often.  Are they your first?  I still get it occasionally when I am out with the girls alone.  Do you have any more (usually said in a voice that conveys they are worried about my sanity if I say yes)?  I hear it a lot less when I have all three kids (three apparently seems a good number to people).

As time has passed, I have found myself settling with a compromise.  I often say that I have three living children.  People seem more comfortable with that explanation.

As I sit here staring at the survey, I still don't know how to respond.  Do I put 6 even though I know that they would rather know the number of children living in my home, or do I put 3 and concede that my triplets don't really count for most people?

Does it really matter......no.

Do they really matter....to me, yes, always.       

2 and 3 Months

Yes, I am way behind.  I did take pictures of the girls at both month markers (or at least within a couple of days of it to be honest) so I thought I would share.

Eowyn continues to be the more active of the girls.  She always wants to stand on your lap or be held on your shoulder.  She hates to bend most of the time.  This has made it hard to put her in the bumbo.  She is usually happiest laying on the floor.  She will do tummy-time, but she often rolls over to her back.  I still don't think that this is her intention, but she does it fairly often.  She has started to smile, and we can occasionally get a giggle out of her.  In the last few weeks, she has really found her hand.  She spends a large part of her awake time holding her right hand up and inspecting it.  I am not sure what she has against the left one.  At the developmental check-up through the NICU, she was measuring 12 lbs.  All of her developmental milestones were measuring between 3-4 months even though she is only 3 months in actual age and two months adjusted age.

Tessa is our cuddle-bug.  She loves being held.  She has little interest in standing or flipping over.  In fact, tummy-time for her means trying to settle down for a good nap.  She was a little behind Eowyn in smiling and giggling, but she does more of it than Eowyn does.  She is much ahead of Eowyn in making other cooing noises.  Eowyn still really doesn't make many at all; whereas, Tessa talks to us all of the time.  Unfortunately, Tessa has also learned how to scream.  When she gets mad, she lets us know.  At the check-up, she weighed  about 12 3/4 lbs.  Her milestones measured between 2-4 months.

Eowyn at 2 months

Tessa at 2 months

Eowyn smiling (2 months)

Tummy-time (2 months)

Tessa at 3 months

Eowyn at 3 months

Tessa smiling (3 months)

3 months

3 months

NICU

The girls were both taken to the NICU for breathing difficulties after they were evaluated in the OR.  Although I knew this was very likely to happen given their prematurity, it was still hard to see them go.   Later on, I was able to witness a new baby coming into the NICU so I know what this time was like for them.  They were surrounded by a team of nurses who evaluated their condition.  Their IV's were started, and they were hooked up to monitors and the CPAP machine. 

In the meantime, I was in the recovery room unsure of when I would get to see or hold them.  After awhile, I was told by the nurse that we could stop by the NICU as my bed was wheeled upstairs to the post-partem rooms.  It would be up to the nurses upstairs when I would be able to see them again after that.  As we made our way to the NICU for the first time, I was excited to see the girls again, but I was also nervous about what I would find since I had not heard any update on their condition yet.  The girls were in the first two slots, and my bed was wheeled between them.  I received my first reports from the nurses responsible for them.  Baby A (Eowyn, but we had not named them yet) was on CPAP, but she was not receiving any extra oxygen.  Baby B was also on CPAP, but she was requiring a little bit of extra oxygen to keep her oxygen saturation high enough.  I was told that I could touch them at this time (both Jason and I were allowed but no one else).  It was a little hard to see them.  There was little I could see of their faces behind the CPAP equipment.  I had just given birth, but instead of holding and nursing my newborns, I could only reach over and touch them.  I knew that the L&D nurse needed to get me upstairs so I tried not to stay to long, but it was so hard to leave not knowing when I would be back.

First view of girls in NICU

Tessa

Me and Tessa

When I got up to my room, I met my new nurse.  I immediately asked her when I could return to the NICU.  She told me that I could go back whenever I could get up out of bed.  If I could get up, I could go back later that evening.  If not, I could go in the morning.  I was determined to go back as soon as I was able.  A few hours after I was taken upstairs I was ready to try.  The nurse brought in a wheelchair.  After collecting my catheter bag and my IV pole, I was ready to go.  We went back down.  Jason and I decided to name them while we were there.  Although we had determined their names while I was pregnant, we were waiting to see them to decide which baby would get each name.  It was still hard to see their faces, but I was a little tired of referring to them as Baby A and Baby B.  Both Jason and I were in agreement that Baby A would be Eowyn and Baby B would be Tessa.  I could have stayed there forever, but I knew that I needed to return.  I decided to stay in my room the rest of the night so I could concentrate on getting some rest and pumping.

We returned the next morning to find Eowyn off of the CPAP.  She now was only receiving air through a nasal cannula.  Tessa was still on the CPAP, but she had been weaned off the extra oxygen already.  I was able to hold Eowyn for the first time that day.  This was also the day that most of the family got to meet the girls, including Gabriel.

Gabriel seeing Eowyn for the first time

Gabriel seeing Tessa for the first time

Gabriel back to see the girls again later in the day

Holding Eowyn (1 day old) for the first time

Tube Feeding for Eowyn

Over the next few days, Eowyn was taken off of everything but the monitors, and she was moved from the warmer to a crib.  Tessa finally made her way down to a nasal cannula, and then eventually came off of it as well.  Tessa was having some issues with jaundice though so she was put on a bilirubin light and a bilirubin blanket.  I was glad when all of that was done, and the patches could be removed from her face.  She kept pulling at them and ripping them off.  Tessa finally got her own crib as well.

Eowyn being fed with bottle

Tessa with nasal cannula (notice her hand by the tubing)

Holding Tessa for the first time..Jason is holding Eowyn for the first time

Eowyn free of all but monitors

Tessa free of all but monitors

Tessa in an open crib

Now all that was needed to come home was 5 days without alarm, a steady show of growth, and passing their car seat test.  Eowyn did this fairly quickly and was ready to come when she was 8 days old.  It was so hard to bring her home without Tessa.  I knew from then on that I would be torn between being home with Eowyn or at the hospital with Tessa.  We were hoping that Tessa would come within a few days, but she continued to have bradycardia alarms.  Most of them occurred when she would eat.  The hardest one for me came the day after Eowyn came home.  Tessa was at almost three days without alarm so we were hoping to bring her home in a couple of days.  The NICU called me at home to let me know that she had just had another quick one.  We would have to wait at least another 5 days to bring her home, and we couldn't even be sure that it was the last one.  I was so upset.  I was tired of it all.  I wanted them both at home.  I wanted them both healthy, and I was tired of waiting.  I calmed down though, and Tessa had her last brady the next day.  She finally came home at 15 days old.

One Month..or -5 Days

My girls were one month old on Saturday.  I can hardly believe it.  I think it seems even shorter because it took two weeks to get everyone home and settled.  It also seems odd that they are a month old when they were not due until this coming Friday (hence the -5 days for their adjusted age). 

Eowyn is the quieter of the two, but she is also more particular.  Although she can cry when she wants to, she often will let me know she is ready to eat by grunting instead.  She is a messy eater.  She will let her formula dribble out the sides of her mouth as she eats.  She can take forever to burp.  Eowyn sleeps best swaddled.  If you try to put her down without it, she will wake herself up by jerking her arms around.  She does well with tummy time though.  She can get her head up well.  She has even rolled over once.  It was completely by accident.  Her big head listed to the side and over she went.  At first, Eowyn will hardly ever open her eyes, but she has started to look around more in the last week.

Tessa is a girl who knows what she wants.  When she is hungry, she lets you know...loudly.  When she is tired, she sleeps really soundly.  She is our champion burper and squeaker.  She does not do as at tummy time.  She can lift her head enough to turn it from one side to the other, but that is about all.  When Tessa's awake, she looks around at everything with the widest eyes.

Both girls are growing.  Their one month appointment isn't for another week so I don't have official stats, but both have gained around 2 lbs since birth.  I can hardly believe how heavy they are getting; although, that is relative since they are about the size of Gabriel at birth.

I took pictures of the girls today.  They are not on par with the professional pictures my sister took a week ago.  If you haven't seen those, check them out here http://photos.willowgrovephotography.com/p237457698 .  I think they are funny because Eowyn looks the same in all of them, but Tessa's face is so expressive.  Here is what I imagine her saying.

Hi Mommy!

Do you taste good?

What is that!

I don't know about this.

What is that?

I'm happy.

I'm sleepy.