Triplets

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Organizing Memories

I decided this weekend to get all of Gabriel's keepsakes a little more organized. Up until now, everything we were keeping just went on a shelf in our spare closet. It worked for now, but I was going to regret in a couple of years when I had to go through it and I wouldn't be able to remember which one was from where.

This year for kindergarten, we employed a strategy that my sister uses for his school papers. Everything that he brought home that I thought I might like to keep went into a drawer (some days it was everything if I couldn't throw papers away without him seeing me). At the end of year, I sorted through them and kept my favorites. I also added his report cards and testing scores into the pile.

Now I needed to find somewhere to put them all. I went Saturday with some ideas in mind, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to make any of them happen. I really wasn't finding anything. I decided to go with a file folder box, but I wanted one that I could customize. I decided on this wire mesh one because I knew I could use wire to attach objects to it. I went to Michael's to find some things to go on it. I had originally thought to decorate it more, but I wanted it to be something that he wouldn't outgrow. In the end, I got his initials, painted the red (his favorite color), and attached them.

Now I have a file folder for each grade. I also have a folder for the birthday card letters that I write to him every year. There was even room to put his baby books, the hair from his first hair cut, and his first lost tooth.

Here is the end result.

Swimming at Grandma's

It was hot yesterday so we went swimming at my parent's house. My sister has recently moved back to Indy so her kids were over too, and a few friends from church stopped by as well. It was fun.

Three Months

I can't believe that it was been three months since the triplets have been gone. Today hasn't been easy for me because it is really the first time that I know exactly what I would be doing if they were still alive. The babies would have been born already, or at the latest, the would have been born in the next week. My life would have been endless NICU runs right now as the babies grew. But they are not at the NICU and that would unbearable if I didn't know where they really are. That doesn't mean I still struggle sometimes. We went out to McDonalds recently. While we were waiting for Gabriel to finish eating, I heard a newborn crying. When I looked over, I realized it was twins. I don't know why the twins struck me more than a single baby, but I had to get out of there. I sat and cried in the car while Jason helped Gabriel finish up.

One of the things that I have been most surprised about lately in the return of my hope. My hope to have more children someday stubbornly survived the years of infertility that I have already gone through. It blossomed and grew when I found out I was pregnant (and then found out it was triplets), but it was gone when I heard that Nathaniel was gone. I thought it was gone for good. Instead, it is slowly growing. I don't know whether to pluck it or nourish it so for the most part I ignore it.

Jason finally printed off the correct picture size for ashes container. It is pictured below. It was not what I thought that we were going to put them in at all, but I think it turned out okay. It is six-sided so it has each babies picture and footprints.

Innocence Lost

I am sometimes a little worried about the innocence that Gabriel has lost in the last few months. Since the babies have died, he has often brought death up as well. He will randomly ask me in the car about death and what will happen to him after he dies. He once asked a few weeks ago if he would just lay in the cemetery for the rest of his life after he dies. I had to explain to him that we would receive new heavenly bodies partly because he was worried that his brothers (who were cremated) wouldn't have bodies to go to heaven with. I know that curiosity about death is not unusual at this age, but it sometimes difficult to have my 5 year old ask every time we see a baby's picture if the baby is still alive or not. His new awareness of death has even surprised strangers. As we were boarding the plane a few weeks ago to travel to San Antonio, a woman behind us commented on how cute Gabriel was. She told me that had 4 boys. Gabriel asked her if they were in heaven. You can imagine I'm sure that she was a little surprised by his question. I had to explain to her about the triplets so she didn't think my son was strange. In the end, I am not worried about the lessons that he is learning. I just wish that they didn't have to come so early.

Picture Problems

I wanted to display some pictures of my triplets.

My sister helped me change the files to black and white so they were easier for other people to look at. Then, I took them to my husband so he could print them off. I was having him print off pictures for several locations at once: for a collage frame upstairs, for some new frames that I was going to buy for downstairs, and for the container that I had bought to hold the babies' ashes.

With that done, I headed to Kohl's with my $10 off a $10 purchase card in hand. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but when I got to the store, I found something even better. Unfortunately, they only had two frames in that color, and I needed three. I did find another frame of the same style, but in a different color, that I could use. I bought these three but decided to go to another Kohl's to see if I could find another frame in the blue color that I wanted. I went to the other Kohl's and was in luck. One short wait in the return line, and the three blue frames were mine. I took my purchase home already envisioning them on the wall.

By the time I got home, Jason was home with the pictures, and I got to work putting them up. I didn't get far. As I opened the frame package, I discovered that the frames didn't have any hangers. They were only meant for desktop display. Of course, normally this would not be a big deal. You just get new frames. Instead, I was very upset. How dare these frames not work. They were perfect, and I already had them up on the wall in my mind's eye. Didn't the people who made the frames know that they were for my boys, and they needed to have hangers? Did I mention that I was upset? It only got worse when I moved on to the ashes container, only to discover that the pictures Jason printed were the wrong size. He thought the holes were for 3.5 x 5, but instead they were for wallets.

With nothing else to do at home (well besides fix my husband and son dinner), I grabbed the Kohl's bag and headed back for new frames. I found some that would work (they even had hangers), but this Kohl's only had two of them. So after another wait in the return line at Kohl's, I walked out of the door with two frames and headed to the other Kohl's. They didn't have another one in that color, but I did find another one in a different color so I bought it.

I returned home and put all the pictures up (except for the ones in the ashes container).

When I thought about my day though, I saw the blessings the Lord had given me. He gave me a sister who devoted her morning to helping me convert the files. He also gave me a husband who tried to think of a way to hang the first frames, who offered to go with me immediately to the store to find new ones, and who fixed dinner for himself and our son after I stormed out. A best friend who answered my phone call on the way to the second Kohl's for the second time and who offered immediate sympathy for my plight. And finally, for giving me two different Kohl's return ladies so I didn't have to explain why I had stood in the line twice in about an hour.

Here is what I ended up with.