Three Months

I can't believe that it was been three months since the triplets have been gone. Today hasn't been easy for me because it is really the first time that I know exactly what I would be doing if they were still alive. The babies would have been born already, or at the latest, the would have been born in the next week. My life would have been endless NICU runs right now as the babies grew. But they are not at the NICU and that would unbearable if I didn't know where they really are. That doesn't mean I still struggle sometimes. We went out to McDonalds recently. While we were waiting for Gabriel to finish eating, I heard a newborn crying. When I looked over, I realized it was twins. I don't know why the twins struck me more than a single baby, but I had to get out of there. I sat and cried in the car while Jason helped Gabriel finish up.

One of the things that I have been most surprised about lately in the return of my hope. My hope to have more children someday stubbornly survived the years of infertility that I have already gone through. It blossomed and grew when I found out I was pregnant (and then found out it was triplets), but it was gone when I heard that Nathaniel was gone. I thought it was gone for good. Instead, it is slowly growing. I don't know whether to pluck it or nourish it so for the most part I ignore it.

Jason finally printed off the correct picture size for ashes container. It is pictured below. It was not what I thought that we were going to put them in at all, but I think it turned out okay. It is six-sided so it has each babies picture and footprints.