It has been six months since my boys were born. I miss them terribly. I have found my emotions harder to control lately. I can no longer seem to control when I cry, and I don't see this getting any better any time soon since I will be going back on injectable hormones in a couple of weeks. I really don't like crying in front of other people. It makes them feel uncomfortable, and it makes them not want to bring up anything having to do with the boys because they are afraid of upsetting me.
I have started to hate the question "How are you?". I never know how to answer it these days. Normally, you will receive an "Okay" after asking it. Do I tell you that the Lord has giving me enough strength to get through another day? He has. Do I tell you that I cried in the car on the way to wherever I am at? It is often the truth.
I have really struggled these last few weeks with whether I am being selfish. I feel like people are tired of me talking about them. Every time they come up in conversation, I wonder if the other person isn't wishing that they didn't have to talk about this again. I have really been asking the Lord to help me focus on other people and what they are going through, but I am not sure if I have been succeeding all that well. Please pray for me that I will be able to look past what is going on with me and be able to see other people's needs.
Thanks for being so open with your thoughts. It's good to hear what you are really thinking. I'm sorry this time is so raw with emotion...that your emotions flow when it's uncomfortable. I shed a couple of tears today when I thought of you and the boys on my way to Darcy's piano lesson. A song came on that reminded me of them.
ReplyDeleteI think it is perfectly ok to feel this way. Any time anyone has a loss of any kind or something tragic happens I think it is completely normal to feel this way. And those of us on the other side are just confused on what we should and shouldn't say, and are I would think most of the time sincerely interested in how you are feeling or doing, whether it is good or bad. When I read your post shortly after their birth and death I was pouring tears in the middle of a library in northern Georgia.
ReplyDelete*hugs* friend.