A Year Without Them

I can hardly believe it has been a year since their birth.  I miss them still.  I long to hold them.  I long to know them, but I know that these things will not happen this side of heaven.  It has been a year of learning.  I have learned that you can go on even when you feel it is not possible to take in your next breath.  I have learned that some will never understand what you are going through, but also that some will go out of their way to show you that you are loved even if they don't.  More importantly, I have learned to accept that God is sovereign, and that He will be there to comfort me through whatever I have to walk through. 

I have been greatly blessed.  I have a healthy husband and son.  I am soon going to have two girls, and as of my appointment today, my pregnancy is completely normal.  I have friends and family who remember me often in both their time and their prayers.  I am so thankful for all of these things.

I thought I would share again what I wrote on the day of their birth.

My three beautiful boys were born early this morning. I had random, but intense, contractions yesterday afternoon. I was put on the monitor several times, but I was told each time that they were not worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with another bleed. This one was not as bad as the bleeds I had at home, but it was worse than the bleeds that I had in the hospital previously. My bleeding and my contractions together prompted them to do an exam where they determined that I was not dilated. Because my contractions were not causing dilation, they did not give me something to stop them. They did offer me pain medication since I was in so much pain (I was again having back labor). I was offered morphine in my IV or an epidural. Although morphine had done nothing for me when I tried it in my last pregnancy, I figured these contractions must be a whole lot smaller so it would probably work this time. We tried the morphine, but it again did nothing for me. Since my pain was only getting worse, I opted for an epidural, although I secretly thought this was ridiculous to get an epidural when you are not going to give birth. Once the epidural was in and I began to relax, I felt another large clot pass. I called in the nurse. When she looked under the covers, she let me know that it was not a clot, but instead was baby A. I was shocked. I wasn't even supposed to be dilating. They weren't even trying to stop my labor. How could I have just had a baby? They cut the cord and placed him on my chest. Roanin David (our donor twin) was tiny. He only weighed 5.3 ounces. He was so thin. You could see his heart beating in his chest, and he would sometimes move when you touched him. I did not know how long I would have with him so I told him that I loved him and prayed for him. Unfortunately, I was struggling at this time. My blood pressure kept dropping low enough that I was having trouble focusing. There was also a lull during this time. I had delivered one of the identicals and part of his and his twin's placenta. The resident decided to wait for the doctor on call before doing anything else. When that doctor arrived, he told me what I already knew. Baby B would have to be delivered as well. I could not continue the pregnancy with him now that his twin was born. I was taken to the OR to deliver him. He was born weighing 9.9 ounces. Kade Edward was also alive and was placed on my chest. I again prayed for him not knowing how long I would have with him. I was not doing well medically so the babies were moved to a warmer where they eventually passed away. My doctor was busy during this time trying to deliver all of the identicals' placenta. He was not able to so again there was a wait time. The hope was that if given enough time, the placenta may detach, and we could try to save Baby C. There was a change of doctors at this time. The new doctor preformed a quick ultrasound before trying to work on the placenta. She did not see a heartbeat for Baby C. Again, I was shocked. I had been desperately praying for God to leave me this one baby, or at least, I thought he would be born alive and I would have some time to spend with him also. Instead, Nathaniel Clark was born stillborn at 11.3 ounces. Not all of his placenta would come out either. The doctor eventually performed a D&C to remove all of the pieces. I was moved back to the room I have been in for the past week. I was able to hold all three babies for a long time. We eventually sent them to the morgue later in the afternoon. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I said goodbye, but could barely give them to the nurse knowing I would not see them again. The other hard thing today was telling people about the births. My husband was not here for them. He had been back in Indy working and taking care of Gabriel and was returning that morning. My best friend, Laura, was with me, and I was grateful for her presence. The hardest person to tell was my son. He had been praying for a little brother or sister for years and was so excited when we told him that we were expecting. When I explained to him that all of the babies were with the Lord, he burst out crying. All he could say was "I wanted them." I could only cry and think I wanted them too. I still want them. I know that they are at peace with the Lord now though. I love you my little ones, and I will miss you always.