Because He Lives

I always love it when we sing songs in church that I used to sing in my church growing up.  This is true of the classic hymns of course, but there are other songs that I haven't heard in a while that occasionally come up.  We sang one of these earlier in our worship service today, and I smiled to myself as a soloist began another one as well.  I had sung it often in the church I was at through middle school.  I knew that words, but they hit me today like they never had before.  Then, they were just words.  Now, they mean everything.  I have posted some of the lyrics below.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, All fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,

And feel the pride and joy he gives.

But greater still the calm assurance,

This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

I realized that I am still holding on to a lot of fear.  I don't seem to believe that He knows and holds the future.  I almost seem to think that my situation is a surprise to Him, and that He is waiting, like me, to see what will happen next.  I don't want to really give over control (which I don't have anyway) because that might mean that I will have give up these girls as well.  I need to remember that I can rest in the calm assurance that He does know my future and the futures of my children.  He was with my triplets in their uncertain hours just as He is with me in my uncertain days, and He will be with my girls as well. 

Mixed Emotions

Today has been a day of mixed emotions.  I am entering my third trimester today.  Things are still going well.  The babies are both over 2 pounds, and my cervix is holding (although it has shortened some in the last month).  I should be joyous...and I am, but I am anxious too.  Every pregnancy comes with uncomfortable symptoms, especially in the last trimester.  I really don't care that I will be uncomfortable, but I have lost my confidence to say that I am uncomfortable but nothing is wrong.  With this pregnancy, every new symptom and development has me worried..and I am a really great worrier.  Sometimes I wish the line was clearer between pushing myself a little (in a healthy way) and pushing myself too far.  I am trying to stay on the side of caution whenever the line seems blurred, but it is hard to always know if I am making the right decisions.

Today is also 13 months since the triplets' birth.  It really has not been that hard of a day until I got the phone call.  I was trying to get my niece and Gabriel in the car after my niece's piano lesson when my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number (out-of-state area code), but I answered it anyway.  I was not expecting the hospital.  It was the grief support staff calling from Good Samaritan.  I had prepared myself for this call last month in the week around their birthday, but the call never came.  I was not prepared for it today.  I am glad that they call to check on me, but sometimes I just wish I had more notice.  It had been so long since I had spoken with them last that they didn't even know I was pregnant with twins.  I bet that was a twist she wasn't expecting when she called me. 

The Nursery

I struggled for a long time during the beginning of this pregnancy trying to decide when I would start putting together the nursery.  I am usually a get-it-done-and-now-is-better-than-later type of person (not one of things that my husband loves about me), but I was unsure of what to do in this situation.  When I painted the nursery for Gabriel, I tried to make it fairly gender neutral so that we would not have to change much with our next child.  When I was pregnant with the triplets, I had decided that I wasn't going to change it (especially since it was three boys).  In the end, this helped somewhat with my grieving.  The nursery was still Gabriel's.  I had no connection with the triplets and that room.  When I found out at 13.5 weeks that we may be having two girls this time, I really wanted to change it.  A couple of years ago, Jason's mom was clearing out things in her house in preparation for their move.  She asked us to come over and look through some of the things she wanted to hand down to us.  One of the items was a blanket that her grandmother had quilted.  Ever since I received that quilt, I have dreamed of a little girl's room based on it.  Even though I knew what I wanted to do with the room, I was unsure of when to start putting it together.  I finally decided to just get it done.  I knew I would feel more relaxed during these last few months of my pregnancy if it was finished (and with multiples you never really know how much time you have left).  I am glad I decided to put it together.  It has helped make these girls more real to me.  I look in the room, and I can't wait for them to come.  It also still frightens me.  Even though I have made it until 25 weeks, I could still lose them.

I do smile when I look at the things in the room.  It really has been a generational effort.  The quilt hanging on the wall was made by the girls' great-great-grandmother on Jason's side, and the teacups in the shelf belonged to their great-grandmother on my side. 

The girls' grandparents (my mom and dad) painted the room, hung the wall clings, and bought the cribs and mattresses. 

The heart shelf on the wall used to be mine when I was a little girl, and the bears on the shelf are for the triplets.  It looks like I didn't do much for the room, but I am providing the babies to go in there (I think it is a pretty important contribution.).      

Lastly, I though I would leave you with pictures of the triplets' tree.  After their death last year, several men belonging to my dad's bible study group got together to buy us this tree.  I was a little concerned for it.  We had such a dry and rough summer last year, and I know magnolias can be finicky.  I was overjoyed when it blossomed this spring.