It has been blogged about many times before. For every mom who has lost a child, it is the question that is sometimes hardest to answer. I was filling out a survey tonight when I was faced with it again. How many children do you have? It is such a simple question, but I am left with no simple answers to it
I have always felt I must acknowledge the triplets in some fashion when I answer this question. I know that there are some moms who don't. I can't say they are wrong in doing so, but I have always felt that it is my duty as their mother to remember and include them. It is really the only thing I can do for them...not that they really need anything done for them. Before the twins were born, I struggled with how to bring them up. If I said that I had four children, people immediately would think that I was a very busy woman with a house full. That was a little misleading since I only had one at home. I would normally tell them four, but then I would explain that three were a set of triplets that were born premature and only lived for a short time..a long answer for someone looking for a simple number and even a little misleading since Nathaniel was stillborn.
There is no faster way to stop a conversation. People don't know what do when they ask this as a casual or courtesy question, and they get a response that is anything but casual. I have found that they especially don't know what to say to me. I don't know if it is because I have lost three, or if they view my loss as something different than those who loose older children. They usually never want to know anything more about them. Instead, they are busy looking for the fastest way to walk away from this mine that they think that they have stepped on.
To be honest, I sometimes look forward to it being asked. It is my only real chance to talk about the boys. When I was visibly pregnant with the girls, I would get asked often. Are they your first? I still get it occasionally when I am out with the girls alone. Do you have any more (usually said in a voice that conveys they are worried about my sanity if I say yes)? I hear it a lot less when I have all three kids (three apparently seems a good number to people).
As time has passed, I have found myself settling with a compromise. I often say that I have three living children. People seem more comfortable with that explanation.
As I sit here staring at the survey, I still don't know how to respond. Do I put 6 even though I know that they would rather know the number of children living in my home, or do I put 3 and concede that my triplets don't really count for most people?
Does it really matter......no.
Do they really matter....to me, yes, always.
Praying for you always and thinking of you and your family often! Love,Anna
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you completely on this. Much love, Connie.
ReplyDeleteConnie, I recently joined www.NILMDTS.org, because of your story. They are an organization where professional photographers volunteer to take photos of babies who are stillborn, or who don't make it out of the hospital. At a workshop I recently attended for the organization, several moms spoke who had received photographs through the organization. They ALL, when asked, say the number of children they have including their child who did not survive. They are your sons. They will always be your sons. I can imagine how it "ends" conversations because people don't know what to say, but you are also acknowledging the significance of their lives. Women who miscarry very early don't usually refer to those babies as their children, but even then, sometimes I can see them wanting to. Nathaniel, Kade, and Roanin were, and are, part of the lives of your family. It doesn't matter that people won't understand that. You have six children, three of them living on earth. Three living in heaven, who you will someday meet, happy, smiling, showing you their personalities and beautiful faces and strong limbs running around. You don't get a lot of places to talk about your three sons, and so be it that you do when you are asked how many children you have. Your experience is one shared by many women, (unfortunately), and you never know the one you will be talking to who experienced it, or knows someone who experienced it, who also wants to talk about their children who have passed. They count. Your sons count. I LOVED looking through your scrapbook with you, and it was my inspiration to join this organization. If you want to talk about it more, there is a great website (you may already know about) called www.nowisleep.com and it is for parents who have suffered a similar loss of children. Blessings to you and ALL your beautiful children. Joy from San Antonio
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