Broken

Shortly after I lost the triplets, I read a book written by a woman who had lost her child right after birth. In it, she shared something that she had done after her loss. She had taken a ceramic pitcher and smashed it on the ground. Then, she spent time trying to glue it back together again. That image has stayed with me for a long time.

I have thought often of what was smashed the day I lost the boys. I lost much of my confidence in my body. It had been shaken a little after I had Gabriel. My labor (which I intended to be natural) had ended in a C-section, and my attempts at breast feeding ended after three short weeks with a baby that still had not regained his birth weight. It was further tested through the years of trying to get pregnant with our second child. I still held on to the idea that once pregnant, I would carry a child well. Gabriel had been overdue, and I really hadn't had any problems before delivery. I counted this in my favor when I first found out I was pregnant with the triplets. Now to be fair to myself, the triplets were really born after I went into labor following an amniotic leak caused by a procedure needed to attempt to save the identicals' lives. Although that is the reality, I still feel like my body failed them. It was my job to carry them, my job to protect them, and I could not stop it from happening.

I lost three sons. The depth of that statement takes my breath away sometimes. I see the echos of what could have been all around me. I see it in the babies that are the same age as the boys would have been. I see it in my son. I see it in my girls. I will never know the color of their hair or eyes. I will never recognize their voices. I will never know how Nathaniel would have felt about being the "different" one. I will never know what it would have been like to have a house overrun with boys.

I lost who I used to be, or at least parts of who I used to be. In those first days, I was scared of that. What was my identity now? Then as time passed, I found that I wasn't as changed as I thought I was originally, but then I was scared of that too. It felt like a dishonor to them if I was only a little different.

One thing I didn't lose that day was my guilt. I am the one who wanted more children. I am the one who ultimately decided to put two embryos in. I was the one who was dehydrated and anemic when I went into the hospital. I was the one that allowed them to do the amnio to draw off Kade's excess fluid. I was the one who agreed to the epidural before Roanin was born. I was the one who had to put Roanin and Kade is the bassinet where they died alone. I am the one who had to tell my husband and my son that the babies were gone. I understand my reasonings for doing much of this, but it doesn't stop my from questioning my decisions.

Thankfully the image is not left with that smashed pitcher. I know that God has begun to put the pieces back together again. I will always bear the scars of the damage that was done. There will always be rough spots and blemishes where fragments were lost.

I don't what use this creation will be. Maybe God will be glorified by working through a damaged vessel, or maybe I had to be broken so I could be refined and fashioned into something new. Maybe I needed to become dependent on God being the glue that holds all the pieces together. Maybe I needed to have a deeper yearning for home. Whatever the reason, I will trust in Him.

A Mother of Multiples

I never really thought that I would be a mother of multiples. I have a small amount of family history with twins. My maternal grandmother was one, but her and her twin were children 11-12. Since the incidence of twining goes up as a woman ages, I wasn't holding my breath that I would have any.

When I realized that we would have to do IVF to have more children, having multiples became a real possiblilty. Even knowing that, it was quite a shock when we were told that we were pregnant with triplets. At first I didn't believe it, but I quickly moved to excitement and a little fear (Jason mostly just stayed shocked.). Although I only knew I was pregnant with triplets for 13 weeks (and everything was normal for only 7 weeks), that was more than enough time to figure out how much that my life was about to change. As I have stated here before, I am a planner, and life with triplets takes a lot of planning. How would we feed all three? How would we move them around? We knew that we had a pair of identicals. I had started thinking about how and if I would be able to tell them apart. I picked out cribs and car seats after I reached the 12 week mark. After we found out that we were having three boys, I thought about how it would be to have a houseful of boys.

When I lost the boys, I lost three children first and foremost. They were three individual children. But, I also lost the experience of triplets. It was not something that I had seeked out, but it had already become part of my identity, part of how I see myself. I am still a mother of triplets, but most people will never know.

When we attempted to get pregnant again, I had mixed feeling about having another set of multiples. Part of me wanted a normal, healthy, full-term singleton. Another part of me wanted another set of multiples. I felt that my body had failed me when carrying the boys and I wanted another chance to prove to myself that I could handle it (I will say more about this in another post). This part of me also wanted to physically belong to a culture that I already felt emotionally tied to.

Although the twins have made me a mother of another set of multiples, I have found is a means to constantly remind me of the boys as well. Often when we come to decisions about the girls, I often ask myself how I would have handled it with three instead. When we are out with the girls, we often draw a lot of questions. Some have looked at our stroll end asked if we have two or three babies. Then we get asked if they are identical or not. It is sometimes answering these questions knowing that they will probably never know that I have three other children and that I have identicals and fratenals. It sound silly I know. Most of them are strangers. Why would I care? I just find it strange that people I meet don't see this big piece of me.

I try to remind myself that I have been greatly blessed. I am blessed to have carryed three little boys, and I am blessed to be raising three children. It is far more than some people get, and far more than I deserve.

6 Months

So as always I am very late in posting these. I got a new toy for Christmas (an IPad) so I intend to be posting a lot more. I have a lot of things to that I want to say, and I have had some posts rattling around in my head for months. But for now, I need to get the 6 month update up before it is time to do the 7 month ones. Eowyn is our wiggle worm. She is never were we leave her these days. She can still pretty much only roll from back to stomach, but she manages to twist and scoot her way around. I am sure she must have teeth moving up although I can not see them yet. She is constantly drooling now, everything goes in her mouth to bite and chew on, and she often rubs things against her gums. The only thing she won't put in her mouth is cereal. We started that about 2 weeks ago. She wants nothing to do with it. I took the girls to their 6 month appointment on Monday. Both girls had double ear infections. I didn't't see that one coming. Neither one had any real symptoms (although they had been really congested for a long time), and Gabriel never had one when he was little. Other than that, both girls are well. Eowyn is weighing I in at 15lbs 3oz.

Tessa is much more laid back than her sister. She continues to be a little physically behind Eowyn's development, but she is catching up. She can also only roll over from back to stomach, but she doesn't usually scoot much. Tessa is still ahead vocally though. She currently loves hearing herself screech. She weighs 16lbs 8oz now.

It is so much fun to watch the girls interact. The talk to each other more these days. The also seem concerned if the other one is upset. If I place them near each other, I will often find them holding hands, or I will find Eowyn's grabbing Tessa's face. I attempt to get a picture of them together every month. This is the best one I got. I have decided it is a good practice to end a photo session once someone starts sucking on someone else's hand.

5 Months

I am a couple of days late, but the weekdays are busy around here.  The girls turned 5 months this week.  I cannot believe it.

Eowyn is never happy with sitting or laying still.  She is always on the move.  This month, she has finally learned to flip over from back to stomach.  She almost always sleeps on her side these days, and occasionally, we will find her on her stomach.  Eowyn has started playing with toys a lot more.  She will hold and move them.  She will also bat at them with her hand.

Tessa has finally shown some interest in moving around as well.  In the last week, she has been laying on her side.  Mostly, she is still content to stay still and watch what is going on around her.  She has also become more interested in toys this last month.  She is not as good at holding them as Eowyn is though.

The girls continue to show more interest in each other.  They will often look at each other.  Sometimes they will hold hands (not really on purpose).  Sometimes, I will see one of them touch the other's face to comfort them.

We had some new items passed down to us.  The girls have been enjoying them.

Sometimes a little too much.

What a Difference a Year Makes

Alphabet Soup

When I realized I was part of the IF community, my Ob/Gyn was the first to try to treat me.  Then I went to see an RE (okay three) who among other things diagnosed me with PCOS, ran an HSG to look at my tubes, and three SIS's to get a closer look at my uterus lining.  After 2 failed IUI's, I did my first IVF and got pregnant with the triplets.  After the complications threw me into PTL, I lost all three boys and became part of the IL community as well.  After a failed FET and another successful IVF, I became pregnant with the twins.  I had another bout of PTL, but the girls were eventually taken early for other reasons.  They spent their first week(s) in the NICU.  Now my biggest worries are SIDS and RSV.

* I went easy on you.  I decided not to include the whole host of acronyms commonly used in the IF community like BFN, BFP, and PUPO.

Milestones

Each of these is fully deserving of there own post, but who am I kidding?  If I don't combine them, they may never get written.  I guess I should start with the milestone that has waiting the longest.

Gabriel turned 7!...3 months ago.  I meant to write something on his birthday, but I got busy preparing files for my sub to start the school year with (files he did not even use...but that is a different story).  Then this milestone went on the list of blog posts that I want to write.  This list seems to be getting always longer and never shorter.

This year has been a big year for Gabriel.  He has really developed a love for reading.  He reads everywhere (including the car).  Gabriel's love for Legos has continued to grow.  I could not bring myself to buy more sets for him for his birthday so instead we bought him a table for the end of his bed to build on.  Gabriel has had to get used to having 2 sisters at home.  He has been a pretty sweet big brother.  One of my favorite memories was listening to him sign "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" to Tessa when he visited her at the NICU.  As always, Gabriel continues to crack us up with the things that will come out of his mouth.  It is so fun to hear about how he views and analyzes the world.

Tessa and Eowyn turned 4 months a couple of weeks ago.  I did take pictures, but they have been sitting on my camera since then.

Tessa is still more vocal and less mobile.  She can make a whole range of baby noises, and it is fun to have a conversation with her.  I love Tessa smiles.  She always gives huge open-mouthed smiles.  She still is not very interested in moving around.  When I set Tessa down, I know she will still be there when I get back.  At her check-up, she was almost 14 1/2 pounds.

Eowyn is only a little over 13 pounds, but she is now longer than her sister.  She is making some baby noises, but she would much rather be on the move.  She has not flipped from stomach to back lately because she is much more interested in putting both her legs and arms up at the same time when she is on her belly.  She is working on flipping to her stomach from her back.  She can almost get there, but she hasn't quite figured out what to do with her arm.  She continues to love to kick.  It is funniest in her bath.  She loves to kick and splash up water.

In the last week or so, the girls have really started to notice each other.  They stare at each other, and sometimes smile back and forth.  It is really fun to watch them interact with each other.

This week Jason and I celebrated 10 years of marriage.  Okay, maybe celebrated is not the right word.  I am not sure a card given in between feedings, diaper changes, homework, and making a vocabulary hat (for Gabriel's school) really counts as celebrating.   I am so grateful though for a husband who grabs a bottle to feed a baby, who will change a diaper (even a dirty one of he has to), and who will lie through his teeth that the hat I threw together looks great.