Emotionally Drained

I haven't posted much lately. Often, I write posts in my head, but they never make it to the blog. I lot has been happinging to me this past week, and it has left me drained.

I went to my doctor's appointment this week. I had an SIS done. Basically, it was a scan to check and see if I had any scar tissue or placental remnants left that could be an issue in future pregnancies. If I did, then it would mean surgery and further delays before we could do a new procedure. I had some justification for thinking that it would lead to surgery. I have had this test twice before, and both times idicated that I needed surgery. Also, things have never gone smoothly with my fertility testing so why start now. I went to my appointment certain that surgery was coming next, and I walked out ordering medication for my next cycle which is starting immediately. My emotions have been all over the place about this. Of course, I am thrilled that we get to try again, but I know that this procedure is less likely to work than the last procedure that we did. This means that in about six weeks I could find myself extremely happy or dealing with yet another blow. I am trying to prepare myself for that.

Last Sunday, I also attended a memorial for another baby who died shortly after birth. Obviously, this has been a big reminder of everything that has happened this year. It has been hard for me these last few weeks because I know the babies would have been born right now and that I would be making NICU trips and waiting for them to come home.

Yesterday was draining as well, but different than I thought it would be. I had though that being with my best friend while she gave birth was going to be hard for me. Although it was hard at times, I spent most of the time focused on Laura and what she needed. The hardest thing that day was calling my son to tell him Emily was born. He got very quiet and asked in a small voice if she was healthy. I was again struck with how sad I am that my son is so aware that bad things can happen. It was also a little hard for me when he held her for the first time today. I had thought that he would soon be holding his own brothers instead. I will post picture of Emily soon, but I forgot my camera in the car today.