I had both of my 30 week appointments in the last day or so. Both went okay, but not fully as expected.
My OB appointment started with my introduction to nurse practitioner #2 (for those of you keeping...yes, I know that is just me...that is 4 doctors, 2 nurse practitioners, and 4 ultrasound techs that I have had this pregnancy not including my fertility doctor). I was a little annoyed that at 30 weeks I was again being seen by someone who knew nothing about me or my history. I had even sat down before this appointment to write a list of questions for my doctor, and I realized that none of them were going to be answered. I don't know if I have just been spoiled up to now, but at my previous two OB's, the only time I ever saw a nurse practitioner during my pregnancy was at my first appointment with Gabriel to get information and a pre-natal prescription. The rest of my appointment went quickly and smoothly. I am measuring 41 weeks now. Jason was finally able to make it to one of my appointments, but of course didn't get to meet my doctor. He doesn't have a good track record. He met the OB that delivered Gabriel only once right before he was born. He met the OB that delivered Nathaniel that day after he was born, and he never met the OB who delivered Kade (Roanin delivered himself). And yes, each of my children so far has been delivered by a different doctor. I am assuming we will break that trend finally since I believe that one doctor will deliver both of these girls.
I also had my last regularly scheduled appointment at my high-risk doctor. The babies both looked fine. Baby A is measuring 3lb 5oz and Baby B is measuring 3lb 8oz. Baby A is still transverse, and Baby B is now breech. I told my sister a long time ago that I hoped my decision for a VBAC would be very clear with future pregnancies. The twins are living up to that. They are making a C-section the clear choice. The one issue with my scan today was my cervix. It has now shortened to under 2, and it is showing some funneling at the internal os. My high-risk doctor is asking my OB to think about running another fetal fibronectin test. I am hoping that I will her from my OB about it on Monday.
Mostly right now I am struggling with how to prepare myself. I basically see this pregnancy ending now in one of four ways:
1. The babies are born mature. My hospital stay is fairly normal with the babies in the room with me. We are able to come home together.
2. The babies are born premature. They will spend time in the NICU before they come home, and they will possibly have problems with breathing and/or feeding, along with other potential health problems.
3. I will lose the babies.
4. A combination of the three above.
I now this options are not exclusive to me, and really every pregnancy faces these options. But, many women dismiss the last three, and proceed as if option 1 will happen every time. I felt that way largely with Gabriel. Being pregnant with multiples though has made option 2 much more real to me, and the death of the triplets make me face option 3. It is hard to believe that the next seven to eight weeks can hold such a vast array of possibilities. I just pray that I will trust and rely on the Lord no matter which one comes.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Pregnancy with Multiples
I always hesitate to say anything about pregnancy. I always think that I am not qualified to say anything definitive on the topic even though this pregnancy is my third. Yes, I will soon be delivering my fifth and sixth child, but I still wonder if I have had enough "normal" pregnancy to say anything. They say every pregnancy is different, but I have taken that to extremes. I have been pregnant with a singleton, twins, and triplets. I have either been pregnant with only boys or with only girls (apparently we don't do mixed multiples). I have been overdue, induced, and C-sectioned, but I have also labored and delivered pre-term. Having been pregnant with two sets of multiples, I do feel like I can at least comment there.
Congestion- Although every pregnant mother increases her blood supply, women pregnant with multiples do it to the extreme. With twins, the blood supply is doubled, and it goes up even more with other higher-order multiples. This increased blood supply helps create congestion. With the triplets, the congestion was annoying mostly. I would need to blow my nose constantly during the first trimester. I would get coughing in the morning in the shower so hard that I would get sick. Most of these symptoms subsided by my second trimester which was good, because I had bigger issues to deal with by that point. With the twins, the congestion has never really seemed to let up that much. Twice, it has flared into a full-blown infection. The first time took my about a month to fully get over, and at its worse, I was barely able to walk because my muscles were so overstretched from coughing. This time, I have been dealing with it about two weeks now. It seems to be getting better, but I have pulled a muscle in my side. As long as a cough in a very specific hunched-over position, I am good. I have been coughing so much lately that I should have great abs, but I looked down and that does not look anything like a six-pack. I am just hoping that I will be done with the cough before I deliver. I had a cold when I had my C-section with Gabriel. Not fun.
Movement- Singleton moms have it easy here. Once you are feeling the baby move, you count your movements twice a day. You can be relatively sure that the baby is doing okay. With multiples, it is not so simple. The babies unfortunately will not respond to a roll call. I have tried to talk to them about the sensibility of this proposition, but they aren't buying in. In some instances, it is very easy to determine who's who, but if they shift positions, it becomes impossible. Then, you are left wondering if they are both okay.
Size- Imagine on the day that you are due, that the doctor came in and told you that they were going to keep the baby inside fro another 8-10 weeks. The baby would roughly double again in size. When that time was over, it would be safe for you to come back and deliver. This is how many moms of multiples feel. I am currently measuring full term. If you added up all the baby/placenta/fluid weight that I am carrying, it would match a singleton mom at full-term. I still have 8 weeks at least for my babies to be born healthy from the start.
I don't want people to read this as if I am complaining. I will go through anything I need to get to healthy babies. I just thought I would give you some insight to pregnancy with multiples.
Congestion- Although every pregnant mother increases her blood supply, women pregnant with multiples do it to the extreme. With twins, the blood supply is doubled, and it goes up even more with other higher-order multiples. This increased blood supply helps create congestion. With the triplets, the congestion was annoying mostly. I would need to blow my nose constantly during the first trimester. I would get coughing in the morning in the shower so hard that I would get sick. Most of these symptoms subsided by my second trimester which was good, because I had bigger issues to deal with by that point. With the twins, the congestion has never really seemed to let up that much. Twice, it has flared into a full-blown infection. The first time took my about a month to fully get over, and at its worse, I was barely able to walk because my muscles were so overstretched from coughing. This time, I have been dealing with it about two weeks now. It seems to be getting better, but I have pulled a muscle in my side. As long as a cough in a very specific hunched-over position, I am good. I have been coughing so much lately that I should have great abs, but I looked down and that does not look anything like a six-pack. I am just hoping that I will be done with the cough before I deliver. I had a cold when I had my C-section with Gabriel. Not fun.
Movement- Singleton moms have it easy here. Once you are feeling the baby move, you count your movements twice a day. You can be relatively sure that the baby is doing okay. With multiples, it is not so simple. The babies unfortunately will not respond to a roll call. I have tried to talk to them about the sensibility of this proposition, but they aren't buying in. In some instances, it is very easy to determine who's who, but if they shift positions, it becomes impossible. Then, you are left wondering if they are both okay.
Size- Imagine on the day that you are due, that the doctor came in and told you that they were going to keep the baby inside fro another 8-10 weeks. The baby would roughly double again in size. When that time was over, it would be safe for you to come back and deliver. This is how many moms of multiples feel. I am currently measuring full term. If you added up all the baby/placenta/fluid weight that I am carrying, it would match a singleton mom at full-term. I still have 8 weeks at least for my babies to be born healthy from the start.
I don't want people to read this as if I am complaining. I will go through anything I need to get to healthy babies. I just thought I would give you some insight to pregnancy with multiples.
Monday, May 2, 2011
28 Weeks
A hospital trip, bed rest orders, and hitting 28 weeks, and I still don't update the blog for a week so what else is new. I have been busy..well sort of. If you count staring at my belly wondering if I am going to have contractions this hour busy, then I have been very busy.
It all started last Wednesday at lunch time. It was a B-day (my least favorite of the school days). My only break for the day is my 30 minute lunch period. I was already a few minutes late getting down to the lunch room. I sent my lunch down and went to the restroom first. There, I noticed some mucus, but not much. Now, I have to mention here that a woman on a forum that I follow started passing some mucus and ended up giving birth to her twins a couple of days later. She never called her doctor until the day she delivered. I sat back at the lunch table trying to figure out what I was going to do. You hate to call the doctor's office for something small and look ridiculous...especially as a third-time pregnant mom. I decided to call, but when. By the time I walked to my room after lunch, it was only a couple of minutes until the office closed for their lunch, and I had 30 students on the way to my room. I had also forgotten my cell phone at home that morning, and I didn't want to talk to the nurse with students in my room. Normally, there is another teacher at school who I know well that has prep that period. She would of covered my class while I called, but she was off that day. I decided to teach the next two periods. I was starting to regret my decision as I was feeling a few more contractions than I was used to during my afternoons. They were becoming frequent, but still irregular. After my last class left, I tried to call my doctor's office, but I was going to have to leave a message. I hung up. I had no cell phone number for them to call me back on during my drive home. I hurried to my car and drove home as fast as I could. After calling from home, I was brought into the office and eventually sent to the hospital for monitoring. I had to stay the night because at one point I was contracting every 3-4 minutes. I was given a few shots of terbutaline, and I was put on the oral medication procardia. The contractions subsided, but now I have earned myself bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.
My cervix is still holding at greater than 2.5 and my test to check for the likelihood of pre-term labor was negative so I still considered low-risk for delivering early for twins.
It all started last Wednesday at lunch time. It was a B-day (my least favorite of the school days). My only break for the day is my 30 minute lunch period. I was already a few minutes late getting down to the lunch room. I sent my lunch down and went to the restroom first. There, I noticed some mucus, but not much. Now, I have to mention here that a woman on a forum that I follow started passing some mucus and ended up giving birth to her twins a couple of days later. She never called her doctor until the day she delivered. I sat back at the lunch table trying to figure out what I was going to do. You hate to call the doctor's office for something small and look ridiculous...especially as a third-time pregnant mom. I decided to call, but when. By the time I walked to my room after lunch, it was only a couple of minutes until the office closed for their lunch, and I had 30 students on the way to my room. I had also forgotten my cell phone at home that morning, and I didn't want to talk to the nurse with students in my room. Normally, there is another teacher at school who I know well that has prep that period. She would of covered my class while I called, but she was off that day. I decided to teach the next two periods. I was starting to regret my decision as I was feeling a few more contractions than I was used to during my afternoons. They were becoming frequent, but still irregular. After my last class left, I tried to call my doctor's office, but I was going to have to leave a message. I hung up. I had no cell phone number for them to call me back on during my drive home. I hurried to my car and drove home as fast as I could. After calling from home, I was brought into the office and eventually sent to the hospital for monitoring. I had to stay the night because at one point I was contracting every 3-4 minutes. I was given a few shots of terbutaline, and I was put on the oral medication procardia. The contractions subsided, but now I have earned myself bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.
My cervix is still holding at greater than 2.5 and my test to check for the likelihood of pre-term labor was negative so I still considered low-risk for delivering early for twins.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Because He Lives
I always love it when we sing songs in church that I used to sing in my church growing up. This is true of the classic hymns of course, but there are other songs that I haven't heard in a while that occasionally come up. We sang one of these earlier in our worship service today, and I smiled to myself as a soloist began another one as well. I had sung it often in the church I was at through middle school. I knew that words, but they hit me today like they never had before. Then, they were just words. Now, they mean everything. I have posted some of the lyrics below.
I realized that I am still holding on to a lot of fear. I don't seem to believe that He knows and holds the future. I almost seem to think that my situation is a surprise to Him, and that He is waiting, like me, to see what will happen next. I don't want to really give over control (which I don't have anyway) because that might mean that I will have give up these girls as well. I need to remember that I can rest in the calm assurance that He does know my future and the futures of my children. He was with my triplets in their uncertain hours just as He is with me in my uncertain days, and He will be with my girls as well.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, All fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.
How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives.
But greater still the calm assurance,
This child can face uncertain days because He lives.
I realized that I am still holding on to a lot of fear. I don't seem to believe that He knows and holds the future. I almost seem to think that my situation is a surprise to Him, and that He is waiting, like me, to see what will happen next. I don't want to really give over control (which I don't have anyway) because that might mean that I will have give up these girls as well. I need to remember that I can rest in the calm assurance that He does know my future and the futures of my children. He was with my triplets in their uncertain hours just as He is with me in my uncertain days, and He will be with my girls as well.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Mixed Emotions
Today has been a day of mixed emotions. I am entering my third trimester today. Things are still going well. The babies are both over 2 pounds, and my cervix is holding (although it has shortened some in the last month). I should be joyous...and I am, but I am anxious too. Every pregnancy comes with uncomfortable symptoms, especially in the last trimester. I really don't care that I will be uncomfortable, but I have lost my confidence to say that I am uncomfortable but nothing is wrong. With this pregnancy, every new symptom and development has me worried..and I am a really great worrier. Sometimes I wish the line was clearer between pushing myself a little (in a healthy way) and pushing myself too far. I am trying to stay on the side of caution whenever the line seems blurred, but it is hard to always know if I am making the right decisions.
Today is also 13 months since the triplets' birth. It really has not been that hard of a day until I got the phone call. I was trying to get my niece and Gabriel in the car after my niece's piano lesson when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number (out-of-state area code), but I answered it anyway. I was not expecting the hospital. It was the grief support staff calling from Good Samaritan. I had prepared myself for this call last month in the week around their birthday, but the call never came. I was not prepared for it today. I am glad that they call to check on me, but sometimes I just wish I had more notice. It had been so long since I had spoken with them last that they didn't even know I was pregnant with twins. I bet that was a twist she wasn't expecting when she called me.
Today is also 13 months since the triplets' birth. It really has not been that hard of a day until I got the phone call. I was trying to get my niece and Gabriel in the car after my niece's piano lesson when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number (out-of-state area code), but I answered it anyway. I was not expecting the hospital. It was the grief support staff calling from Good Samaritan. I had prepared myself for this call last month in the week around their birthday, but the call never came. I was not prepared for it today. I am glad that they call to check on me, but sometimes I just wish I had more notice. It had been so long since I had spoken with them last that they didn't even know I was pregnant with twins. I bet that was a twist she wasn't expecting when she called me.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Nursery
I struggled for a long time during the beginning of this pregnancy trying to decide when I would start putting together the nursery. I am usually a get-it-done-and-now-is-better-than-later type of person (not one of things that my husband loves about me), but I was unsure of what to do in this situation. When I painted the nursery for Gabriel, I tried to make it fairly gender neutral so that we would not have to change much with our next child. When I was pregnant with the triplets, I had decided that I wasn't going to change it (especially since it was three boys). In the end, this helped somewhat with my grieving. The nursery was still Gabriel's. I had no connection with the triplets and that room. When I found out at 13.5 weeks that we may be having two girls this time, I really wanted to change it. A couple of years ago, Jason's mom was clearing out things in her house in preparation for their move. She asked us to come over and look through some of the things she wanted to hand down to us. One of the items was a blanket that her grandmother had quilted. Ever since I received that quilt, I have dreamed of a little girl's room based on it. Even though I knew what I wanted to do with the room, I was unsure of when to start putting it together. I finally decided to just get it done. I knew I would feel more relaxed during these last few months of my pregnancy if it was finished (and with multiples you never really know how much time you have left). I am glad I decided to put it together. It has helped make these girls more real to me. I look in the room, and I can't wait for them to come. It also still frightens me. Even though I have made it until 25 weeks, I could still lose them.
I do smile when I look at the things in the room. It really has been a generational effort. The quilt hanging on the wall was made by the girls' great-great-grandmother on Jason's side, and the teacups in the shelf belonged to their great-grandmother on my side.
The girls' grandparents (my mom and dad) painted the room, hung the wall clings, and bought the cribs and mattresses.
The heart shelf on the wall used to be mine when I was a little girl, and the bears on the shelf are for the triplets. It looks like I didn't do much for the room, but I am providing the babies to go in there (I think it is a pretty important contribution.).
Lastly, I though I would leave you with pictures of the triplets' tree. After their death last year, several men belonging to my dad's bible study group got together to buy us this tree. I was a little concerned for it. We had such a dry and rough summer last year, and I know magnolias can be finicky. I was overjoyed when it blossomed this spring.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Year Without Them
I can hardly believe it has been a year since their birth. I miss them still. I long to hold them. I long to know them, but I know that these things will not happen this side of heaven. It has been a year of learning. I have learned that you can go on even when you feel it is not possible to take in your next breath. I have learned that some will never understand what you are going through, but also that some will go out of their way to show you that you are loved even if they don't. More importantly, I have learned to accept that God is sovereign, and that He will be there to comfort me through whatever I have to walk through.
I have been greatly blessed. I have a healthy husband and son. I am soon going to have two girls, and as of my appointment today, my pregnancy is completely normal. I have friends and family who remember me often in both their time and their prayers. I am so thankful for all of these things.
I thought I would share again what I wrote on the day of their birth.
My three beautiful boys were born early this morning. I had random, but intense, contractions yesterday afternoon. I was put on the monitor several times, but I was told each time that they were not worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with another bleed. This one was not as bad as the bleeds I had at home, but it was worse than the bleeds that I had in the hospital previously. My bleeding and my contractions together prompted them to do an exam where they determined that I was not dilated. Because my contractions were not causing dilation, they did not give me something to stop them. They did offer me pain medication since I was in so much pain (I was again having back labor). I was offered morphine in my IV or an epidural. Although morphine had done nothing for me when I tried it in my last pregnancy, I figured these contractions must be a whole lot smaller so it would probably work this time. We tried the morphine, but it again did nothing for me. Since my pain was only getting worse, I opted for an epidural, although I secretly thought this was ridiculous to get an epidural when you are not going to give birth. Once the epidural was in and I began to relax, I felt another large clot pass. I called in the nurse. When she looked under the covers, she let me know that it was not a clot, but instead was baby A. I was shocked. I wasn't even supposed to be dilating. They weren't even trying to stop my labor. How could I have just had a baby? They cut the cord and placed him on my chest. Roanin David (our donor twin) was tiny. He only weighed 5.3 ounces. He was so thin. You could see his heart beating in his chest, and he would sometimes move when you touched him. I did not know how long I would have with him so I told him that I loved him and prayed for him. Unfortunately, I was struggling at this time. My blood pressure kept dropping low enough that I was having trouble focusing. There was also a lull during this time. I had delivered one of the identicals and part of his and his twin's placenta. The resident decided to wait for the doctor on call before doing anything else. When that doctor arrived, he told me what I already knew. Baby B would have to be delivered as well. I could not continue the pregnancy with him now that his twin was born. I was taken to the OR to deliver him. He was born weighing 9.9 ounces. Kade Edward was also alive and was placed on my chest. I again prayed for him not knowing how long I would have with him. I was not doing well medically so the babies were moved to a warmer where they eventually passed away. My doctor was busy during this time trying to deliver all of the identicals' placenta. He was not able to so again there was a wait time. The hope was that if given enough time, the placenta may detach, and we could try to save Baby C. There was a change of doctors at this time. The new doctor preformed a quick ultrasound before trying to work on the placenta. She did not see a heartbeat for Baby C. Again, I was shocked. I had been desperately praying for God to leave me this one baby, or at least, I thought he would be born alive and I would have some time to spend with him also. Instead, Nathaniel Clark was born stillborn at 11.3 ounces. Not all of his placenta would come out either. The doctor eventually performed a D&C to remove all of the pieces. I was moved back to the room I have been in for the past week. I was able to hold all three babies for a long time. We eventually sent them to the morgue later in the afternoon. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I said goodbye, but could barely give them to the nurse knowing I would not see them again. The other hard thing today was telling people about the births. My husband was not here for them. He had been back in Indy working and taking care of Gabriel and was returning that morning. My best friend, Laura, was with me, and I was grateful for her presence. The hardest person to tell was my son. He had been praying for a little brother or sister for years and was so excited when we told him that we were expecting. When I explained to him that all of the babies were with the Lord, he burst out crying. All he could say was "I wanted them." I could only cry and think I wanted them too. I still want them. I know that they are at peace with the Lord now though. I love you my little ones, and I will miss you always.
I have been greatly blessed. I have a healthy husband and son. I am soon going to have two girls, and as of my appointment today, my pregnancy is completely normal. I have friends and family who remember me often in both their time and their prayers. I am so thankful for all of these things.
I thought I would share again what I wrote on the day of their birth.
My three beautiful boys were born early this morning. I had random, but intense, contractions yesterday afternoon. I was put on the monitor several times, but I was told each time that they were not worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with another bleed. This one was not as bad as the bleeds I had at home, but it was worse than the bleeds that I had in the hospital previously. My bleeding and my contractions together prompted them to do an exam where they determined that I was not dilated. Because my contractions were not causing dilation, they did not give me something to stop them. They did offer me pain medication since I was in so much pain (I was again having back labor). I was offered morphine in my IV or an epidural. Although morphine had done nothing for me when I tried it in my last pregnancy, I figured these contractions must be a whole lot smaller so it would probably work this time. We tried the morphine, but it again did nothing for me. Since my pain was only getting worse, I opted for an epidural, although I secretly thought this was ridiculous to get an epidural when you are not going to give birth. Once the epidural was in and I began to relax, I felt another large clot pass. I called in the nurse. When she looked under the covers, she let me know that it was not a clot, but instead was baby A. I was shocked. I wasn't even supposed to be dilating. They weren't even trying to stop my labor. How could I have just had a baby? They cut the cord and placed him on my chest. Roanin David (our donor twin) was tiny. He only weighed 5.3 ounces. He was so thin. You could see his heart beating in his chest, and he would sometimes move when you touched him. I did not know how long I would have with him so I told him that I loved him and prayed for him. Unfortunately, I was struggling at this time. My blood pressure kept dropping low enough that I was having trouble focusing. There was also a lull during this time. I had delivered one of the identicals and part of his and his twin's placenta. The resident decided to wait for the doctor on call before doing anything else. When that doctor arrived, he told me what I already knew. Baby B would have to be delivered as well. I could not continue the pregnancy with him now that his twin was born. I was taken to the OR to deliver him. He was born weighing 9.9 ounces. Kade Edward was also alive and was placed on my chest. I again prayed for him not knowing how long I would have with him. I was not doing well medically so the babies were moved to a warmer where they eventually passed away. My doctor was busy during this time trying to deliver all of the identicals' placenta. He was not able to so again there was a wait time. The hope was that if given enough time, the placenta may detach, and we could try to save Baby C. There was a change of doctors at this time. The new doctor preformed a quick ultrasound before trying to work on the placenta. She did not see a heartbeat for Baby C. Again, I was shocked. I had been desperately praying for God to leave me this one baby, or at least, I thought he would be born alive and I would have some time to spend with him also. Instead, Nathaniel Clark was born stillborn at 11.3 ounces. Not all of his placenta would come out either. The doctor eventually performed a D&C to remove all of the pieces. I was moved back to the room I have been in for the past week. I was able to hold all three babies for a long time. We eventually sent them to the morgue later in the afternoon. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I said goodbye, but could barely give them to the nurse knowing I would not see them again. The other hard thing today was telling people about the births. My husband was not here for them. He had been back in Indy working and taking care of Gabriel and was returning that morning. My best friend, Laura, was with me, and I was grateful for her presence. The hardest person to tell was my son. He had been praying for a little brother or sister for years and was so excited when we told him that we were expecting. When I explained to him that all of the babies were with the Lord, he burst out crying. All he could say was "I wanted them." I could only cry and think I wanted them too. I still want them. I know that they are at peace with the Lord now though. I love you my little ones, and I will miss you always.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)